


dark inside the stars

by iridiumring92



Series: leave the light on [1]
Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Sexual Content, canon verse kyoto winds, emotions rip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 14:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20931731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridiumring92/pseuds/iridiumring92
Summary: “Saitou, I—” He stops, shakes his head. There’s another moment of silence between them. “I wish I knew how to say this. I’m not well-versed in these types of things.”Saitou wants to ask what he means, but he keeps that question to himself, because he’s not sure that he wants to hear the answer. If it’s something that Hijikata—something that the Shinsengumi—hasn’t encountered before, it could be something Saitou will later wish he’d left alone. “Is there another way?” he asks instead.Saitou is restless after patrol. Hijikata is thinking too much.





	dark inside the stars

**Author's Note:**

> title is from "shadow bloom" by florist.

Night has fallen, a fresh set of rounds has begun, and the murky humidity of a Kyoto summer has set in, making the heat both indoors and outdoors hardly bearable. Saitou, finished with his patrol, is sitting on a strip of porch outside the building, still in his uniform and wishing the heat would die down just a little. He listens to the slowly fading sounds of the compound around him, elbows resting on his thighs.

A shoji door slides open behind him, and he hears and feels footsteps that stop just beside him. He can guess whose, but he doesn’t look up in acknowledgment, not yet.

“Saitou.”

Saitou takes a breath, waits. He doesn’t know what Hijikata wants with him. But Hijikata doesn’t show his hand right away—he waits, too, long enough to force Saitou to speak next.

“I thought you were working,” Saitou says, still without looking up.

“And I thought you’d finished rounds and were going to bed.” Hijikata sighs, and Saitou can practically hear him crossing his arms over his chest. “You need rest for tomorrow, Saitou.”

_ Says you.  _ Saitou closes his eyes. If he’s going to have any conversation with Hijikata right now, he doesn’t particularly want it to be this one. “Hijikata-san, did you only come out here to tell me to go to bed?”

“No,” Hijikata says. There’s a beat of silence. Then, “Do you want to come back to my quarters?”

_ Oh.  _ It’s that serious? Saitou swallows hard and steels himself for whatever conversation is about to come. “All right.”

Hijikata leads Saitou back to his room, and once they’re inside, he can feel his heart racing. He’s nervous, being here alone with Hijikata and in the low light of the candles lining the room, and the heat isn’t helping. He slips his haori off his shoulders and folds it up as neatly as he can.

He’s seated, and Hijikata is seated across from him, but Hijikata still hasn’t said anything. Was this intentional? Does Hijikata mean to make him uncomfortable? Is he trying to provoke some sort of a response?

But he glances up at Hijikata and finds his eyes focused downward on his hands, which are resting in his lap. There’s color high in his cheeks.

“Fukuchou, are you all right?” Saitou asks.

Hijikata lets out a small sigh. “Yes, I’m all right,” he says, but at first he doesn’t look up to meet Saitou’s eyes. “Saitou, I—” He stops, shakes his head. There’s another moment of silence between them. “I wish I knew how to say this. I’m not well-versed in these types of things.”

_ Well-versed in what types of things?  _ Saitou wants to ask, but he keeps that question to himself, because he’s not sure that he wants to hear the answer. If it’s something that Hijikata—something that the  _ Shinsengumi _ —hasn’t encountered before, it could be something Saitou will later wish he’d left alone. “Is there another way?” he asks instead.

Hijikata seems to freeze. His hands still in his lap, his eyes barely blink. After a moment, his eyes slide up to Saitou’s. There’s a  _ yes _ in his expression.

Before Saitou has time to process all of this, Hijikata’s mouth is on his.

At first his lips are firm and warm against Saitou’s, and then they soften, parting gently, moving softly, before Hijikata pulls away.

_ This is what you meant?  _ Saitou wants to ask as Hijikata’s eyes burn into his own. Hijikata’s hand finds its way to Saitou’s hair and gives a few gentle strokes, and after a moment, he asks, “Is this okay?”

It’s more than okay. It’s somehow what Saitou needed, despite that he hadn’t known it. He nods, but his wordless acknowledgment isn’t enough for Hijikata.

“Saitou,” he says. “Hajime-kun. Please, don’t just say yes because I’m your commander and I started all of this. I want you to say yes because you like it. Because you  _ want  _ to.”

Saitou reaches out and grips Hijikata’s kimono, drawing him in closer. “I need this,” he whispers. “I . . . I want . . . I want you to kiss me again.”

Hijikata makes a noise low in his throat before he does. The second kiss sends sparks through Saitou’s body, followed by a heat that smolders before it flares, a sensation that begins low in his stomach and spreads through the rest of him. Hijikata’s mouth opens into his, and his tongue flicks out to run over Saitou’s lower lip. A moment later, Saitou feels teeth biting down gently, and he sighs a little against Hijikata’s mouth. It’s a flood of sensations, so much at once, and Saitou is only a small bit surprised when Hijikata pulls away and stands up, turning to face the wall.

“Fukuchou,” he begins.

“No, no, Hajime-kun. Please don’t call me that. Not now,” Hijikata says. His voice is strained, and Saitou can see the similar lines of tension in his back, through his clothing. “At least use my name. . . .”

Saitou stands, slowly and soundlessly, and a moment later he’s behind Hijikata, arms snaking around his waist and chin resting on his shoulder. He’s not entirely sure that it’s the right move, but when he feels Hijikata sigh and relax into him, he doesn’t question it any further. “Hijikata-san,” he says. “Was this not what you wanted?”

“No, it was.” Hijikata looks at the floor, his tone a little shaky. “It’s just . . . I’m thinking too much. I’m trying to forget, at least for now, but I keep thinking about the Shinsengumi, and what we’ve been going through, and . . .” He hesitates. “And this. What it means. I just—shouldn’t we take these kinds of desires elsewhere? For a captain and his commander . . .”

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Saitou says. “You need something, and I can give it to you, Hijikata-san. We can deliberate the rest later.” He tips his head so that he can kiss the soft skin of Hijikata’s neck. “I won’t call you ‘fukuchou.’ I promise.”

Hijikata sucks in a breath and pulls away from Saitou, the space between them lasting a heartbeat while Hijikata pushes Saitou roughly against the wall and kisses him again. This time there’s a little more teeth and hands clawing at each other’s clothing. More mutual understanding of where the hell this is going.

“Hold on a moment.” Hijikata’s hand covers Saitou’s, which is pulling at the edge of his kimono. “Saitou. Why were you sitting outside like that, anyway? It’s awful out there, and you had a room to go back to.”

Saitou drops his hand. He takes a moment to gather his words, but even when he says them, he’s not sure they’re adequate. “I didn’t want to go back to my room,” he begins. “I felt restless. Patrol was . . . it made the feeling worse.”

“I can understand.” Hijikata leans in and nips at Saitou’s neck, his scarf having long been lost to the conquests of Hijikata’s hands. “Hajime-kun . . .”

Saitou lets Hijikata continue the path he’s on, drawing a line of kisses up and down Saitou’s neck and collarbone until his toes curl and he says, “Okay. Okay, not here. Bed.”

“Yeah,” Hijikata breathes. He clings to Saitou the whole way there, and straddles Saitou once they’ve finally made it to his futon, pushing him down. Saitou closes his eyes as he loses his breath at the feeling.

He lets Hijikata’s hands run over his body, loosening and then freeing clothing to bare skin, and the sensation makes Saitou shiver. The top half of his kimono is stripped away first, and once that’s happened, Hijikata’s hands slide gently over his skin, enough to raise goosebumps there. Saitou makes a soft, pleased noise, and Hijikata leans down to kiss him.

They go slow, and get lost in each other. Hijikata seems to worship every part of Saitou’s body, and even before he undresses, Saitou can sense the desire in him. It’s in his eyes, his lips, the way he touches Saitou.

And Saitou is almost embarrassed at just how aroused he is, he wants to cover back up, but Hijikata makes him feel better. He whispers to Saitou that he’s beautiful. Saitou feels himself going pliant under Hijikata’s touch, giving in.

It’s after several long moments of this that Hijikata finally undresses. Saitou’s breath stops at the first glimpse of pale chest he sees from Hijikata, as he’s fairly sure he’s never seen the Shinsengumi’s fukuchou in anything less than a full-coverage outfit. His body, pale skin and all, is lovely and mesmerizing, and Saitou reaches out an unsteady hand to touch him from shoulder to waist. Hijikata stills under his touch.

“H-Hajime . . .” he murmurs, and when Saitou’s hand slips between his thighs, a choked-off moan escapes him.

His reaction is enough to make Saitou pull his hand back and let Hijikata press against him, both of them returning to kissing for a little while. It’s intoxicating, feeling Hijikata’s tongue flick against his like that, savoring the taste of him. But possibly what stalls his heart even more is feeling Hijikata’s body press against his. The heat of his bare skin against Saitou’s awakens sensations he’s almost sure he’s never felt before.

And then, after a few whispered words from Hijikata, Saitou feels hands on his legs, on his knees, pushing them back and apart, and after several careful movements Hijikata is inside him. Saitou can feel his eyes rolling back at the feeling. It’s so good, and the fact that it’s  _ Hijikata _ . . . he doesn’t have words. He succumbs, fingers digging into Hijikata’s shoulders as he starts to move.

He doesn’t make much sound while Hijikata fucks him, and at some point, in the back of his mind, he wonders if maybe he should have, if Hijikata would have preferred that, but he’s fairly sure he hisses out a “Please” when he gets close. Hijikata obliges him, stroking him in time with his last thrusts. At that point, Saitou gasps and tips his head back.

“Hijikata-san—”

There’s a breath in his ear, a whispered, agonized “ _ Hajime _ ,” and he feels Hijikata shudder when he climaxes. It’s at nearly the same time that Saitou comes. One hand clasps Hijikata’s shoulder, the other tangling in his hair, which came loose from its tie at some point.

They clutch at each other for several moments, riding out the sensations that crash over and between them. Saitou draws Hijikata into a long, deep kiss, and when it’s over, Hijikata lies on top of him.

They both just breathe.

“Was it all right . . . ?” Hijikata asks at last, his breath hot against Saitou’s ear.

“Yes,” Saitou says. “Yes. I would do it again anytime, fukuch—Hijikata-san.”

Hijikata makes a noise. “Huh. Looks like I still haven’t managed to break you of your habits. . . .”

“I think that would take a lot more . . . time,” Saitou says, avoiding the word  _ encounters _ , which is what he’d originally thought. He doesn’t want to imply anything, since neither of them went into this thinking there’d be even a second time, let alone a third or anything after that.

“It’s all right. I understand.” Hijikata kisses Saitou’s neck, just below his ear, a few times. “I suppose if you wanted more time, I could indulge you.”

Saitou swallows hard, trying to think of an appropriate response. He spends a number of heartbeats on this, so many that he loses count. “I . . . ah. It’s not up to me, Hijikata-san. It’s your decision. Whether you want to spend more time with me or not is . . . I can’t force you. I only meant—”

Hijikata presses his mouth to Saitou’s, effectively silencing him for a moment. “Hajime,” he says softly. “It’s all right. Don’t worry too much about it.”

He lies with Saitou far longer than Saitou expected him to, and even once he pulls away and Saitou cleans up, he stays by Saitou’s side, lying on his futon with an arm around him. His closeness makes Saitou’s chest seize up. He never thought he’d want this so much, and yet here he is, wishing that his commander would stay with him even though there’s no way that—

“Would you stay with me tonight?” Hijikata whispers, his fingers tracing soft patterns on Saitou’s skin. “I know that you’re usually up early, so you could leave when you see fit. It’s unlikely that anyone else will see us together.”

Saitou is silent for a few moments. He doesn’t know what to say. He  _ does  _ know that he should refuse, but for some reason he can’t bring himself to, and he doesn’t know what answer to offer instead.

“You don’t have to,” Hijikata says. “I’m serious, Hajime, don’t feel obligated to say yes. I’m just asking in case you didn’t want to get dressed and return to your room straight off in the middle of the night.”

“I—I understand,” Saitou chokes out. His jaw clenches. He still doesn’t know what else to say. “Hijikata-san, I—I want to, but . . .”

“But what?” Hijikata asks. “It’s all right, Hajime. I’m giving you permission.” He studies Saitou’s face a little longer. “Or is it that you don’t want either of us to develop feelings about this situation because of staying together for the night . . . ?”

Saitou glances away. “You’re too perceptive for your own good, Hijikata-san.”

Hijikata shifts closer, and in the next heartbeat, his lips are on Saitou’s jaw, gentle. “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” he whispers. “But if you do decide to stay, I’ll accept that. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” Saitou says.

It’s not until he turns over and Hijikata forms his body to fit against Saitou’s spine that the wrench of emotion comes. He’s suddenly shaking all over as he tries to push it down. He’ll wake up tomorrow, and Hijikata will be there. He’ll have a few more stolen moments in Hijikata’s bed before he has to pull himself out of Hijikata’s embrace and start work. But still. He has no reason to be this . . . this . . .

“Hajime,” Hijikata says gently into his ear. “Are you all right?”

Saitou doesn’t respond at first. “Why?” he asks after a couple of breaths. He means it as in  _ Why do you ask? _ but for some reason it’s the only word that he can manage.

“You’re shaking.” Hijikata’s thumb draws circles in the shallow of his hip, and Saitou feels heat flush his skin. “Is it the heat?”

“No. No, it’s not.” Saitou has to fight the urge to press back against Hijikata, envelop himself in Hijikata’s warmth and his skin. “I’m just . . .”  _ Trying to adjust to the fact that this will be gone tomorrow. That I’ll have to look you in the eye and not think about this. And the fact that I’m going to miss you, which is . . . wrong. _ In the end, he doesn’t say any of this. He just breathes, unable to find the right words.

“We can talk in the morning,” Hijikata says. “Get some rest, Hajime.”

Saitou interprets that to mean they aren’t going to speak a word of it in the morning, but it’s time for them to stop talking now. He feels a little flare of ire, but it’s put out almost immediately by the feeling of Hijikata’s lips on the back of his neck. Saitou catches his breath.

“’Night, Hajime,” Hijikata murmurs.

Saitou clings to the sound of his voice and the warmth of his skin until he falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> i made a side tumblr [@heart-held-captive](https://heart-held-captive.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
